Returning to Eden

‍

A few years ago, I asked God to show me the truth and to heal my mind. I had major memory lapses, and I became very concerned about how bad it got. The response I received was these three words: 'Return to Eden.' This post marks the culmination of that journey.

‍

‍
^{In Jan 2024 I wrote: "A year ago just my ankles were wet. I am moving into deeper waters, and I have no desire to get back to the shore."}
‍

At the time, I knew the deeper waters I was seeking had to do with my walk with Christ. I knew baptism was part of that journey, I just didn't know when it would happen. Like a child slowly walking into the deep end, I was learning to trust God one step at a time.

Last month, I went all the way in, and I'm so thankful for how God orchestrated it all.

Having my dad in the water with me to bless and declare which God I belong to was more than I could ever ask for. I explain why this was so important to me in this post. This is redemption, where my story gets rewritten.

‍

‍

There was a door my father and I needed to close together. A door that had been open since I was fifteen years old.

When I turned fifteen, my family planned a quinceañera. At the time, it felt like the coolest celebration ever because it was cultural and unique. The tradition represents a "transition from little girl to womanhood". One of the central moments of the ceremony is the father-daughter dance. The father dances with his daughter, symbolizing that he is the first man in her life and that his blessing, protection, and guidance remain with her as she enters a new season. In some instances, he then hands her over to continue the dance with her escort, symbolizing her transition into womanhood.

Looking back now, that symbolism deeply unsettles me because I was still a child. There's much more to the history of these traditions, but I'll save it for another conversation. I'm still processing everything.
‍

Some quinceañera ceremonies look almost like a wedding. Mine had all the works; girls and guys dressed alike. I also held a doll in my hand that was meant to be passed down to the next young girl in the family, to represent leaving behind the "child-like things".

I walked into the event wearing slippers. I sat down, and my father placed the heels on to symbolize becoming a woman.
‍

The music started for the opening dance while my dad was struggling to fasten the heels, and I immediately became anxious. We were running behind, and all I could think about was getting to my position on the dance floor on time. In my frustration, I bent down to put the heels on by myself. I got up and walked to the middle without my dad - we were supposed to walk hand in hand, then dance.

Because of the delay, we never actually had our father-daughter dance. The music had already moved on, so my very first dance that night was with my ex, who was unfortunately deeply troubled in those times. The dance that was meant to represent a father's blessing never happened. I basically created my own path and danced with my abuser. This was the pattern in my life. I kept running ahead, putting on my big girl shoes alone and leading my own life.

‍

‍

The opening dance was like a ballroom waltz. It was great entertainment. But looking back, my spirit feels uneasy. What had I unknowingly come into agreement with through this celebration? I smiled for the photographs while privately carrying fear and frustration. I learned to wear a mask well at a young age, so well that, that same night, at the event and after, I was abused. For many years, I grieved the reality that I was not protected.

My family's ignorance, and my own, led to years of spiritual decay, until the Lord opened my eyes in 2022.

The Baptism

This is redemption. My journey to Eden led me into deeper waters. I needed my dad to lead the way this time, into a real celebration. I needed to walk by his side and simply be his daughter. Him being in the water with me, now as an elder in his church, also reflects the maturity of his own walk. A protector, a man of Godly values, sober-minded, wise, carrying authority. Wherever there's a present father, he carries responsibility for what he blesses, what he affirms, and ultimately what he hands his children over to.

Now my father has handed me to my Heavenly Father, instead of to the world. This is redemption, repentance, and reconciliation on a family level.
‍

^{This was an opportunity for my family to rewrite a story where we had all missed the mark. An old altar has been torn down!}

My mother also asked for my forgiveness the morning of my baptism, releasing me from the guilt and shame I had carried for so long. For years, she would tell me I was such a bad child during those years, and the night before my baptism she brought it up again. This time, I broke my silence. I said, "Mom... I was a child. You were my parents. You knew I was with someone older than me, and you knew his behavior at the time was dangerous. I wasn't protected."

The next morning, she came to me in humility and acknowledged that more could have been done to protect me, but life and lack of support got in the way. She asked for my forgiveness, and I also asked for hers.

Those words healed something in me that I didn't even realize was still waiting to be acknowledged, even now as an adult.

‍

‍

After we came home from the beach, I felt the Lord impress one more thing on my heart. The doll.

I knew my mother, and I needed to discard it together. I don't believe it holds power, but I believe closing that chapter requires letting go of its symbols as well. Just like when I felt led to discard my crystals.

In conclusion, when I wrote about going into deeper waters, God was restoring what had become disordered, and placing it back under His original design (EDEN). If the Lord asks you to make something right in the spirit, don't ignore it. Ask Him to show you the way. Trust that He will, in His perfect time.

I am renouncing the version of womanhood that this tradition represented.  

I declare, through water, that I am a child of God.

It is finished... & yet the journey continues #continuallycleansing